Saturday, June 3, 2017

1yr - Mommy and I Love You, Precious Little Ratty Face, and We Will Forever.


1yr ago today, Jen and my little ratty girl, Taki, passed on. My heart is both warm and hurting. I want to cuddle Taki so badly and pet her little head. I want to play with a paw, feed Taki - Tako - Tik Toc - her favorite foods. Remembering her is warm. Missing her, and wishing I could do all of that again, is so hard. If I could, I would definitely bring her back - to this time and I'd make sure she was happy and healthy. I'd bring her, and her sister, and all of our babies who've passed on, back. I'd love them so much. I'd take such good care of them and make them so happy. 

I want to make sure I do my best to stay positive today, so that - in Taki's honor - I remember her with lots of love and light instead of being depressed. It's going to be hard, but I know Jen will help me. 

So, here's to you, Taki girl. Mommy and I Love You and We Will Forever. image

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

May ~ 2017

I made this from a picture I took, while leaning
outside of our bedroom window. image


There were some wonderful parts this month, for instance... Jen, of course. image Anyone who's followed me for a while probably guessed I'd say that. image Her love... Support... Sweetness... Humor. Everything. Everything about her. I'm so grateful and so so so so lucky to have her in my life, my best friend, my wife and my soulmate in one. Plus, so much more!! She's also been blossoming so much. She's going on 8mo on HRT and I love that she's becoming who she already is, on the outside, in a way that she wasn't before. I believe something that I don't know how others feel about, but it's that... If you're a girl?? You have a girl's body. No matter what. However, I also know how fucking important HRT is, for mental and physical change. Like, Gods, I'm so proud of Jen and our friends and others who are doing this or are planning on doing this, or even still deciding. Whenever I see Jen smiling, whenever I see a picture of a friend with a new haircut, whenever I hear about a HRT appointment, a name change appointment, etc. I just want to cheer, because ALL OF YOU ARE AMAZING. (No matter what gender!!)

Our pets have also been a wonderful part of this month. Wedgie is cuddling more with Mochi (our cat and our bun), Mau is finally cooling down and is so cute when he's cuddling (our cat), Jango has been playing with his perch more often - despite that being up there for years!! (our bird), Miss Hiss has been an absolute cuddle snake and last night she rested her head in my palm until I had to move (our snake), Bushido and Kerry are doing good - except their water filter has decided to go hot tub style turbo jet so we're working on fixing that (pair of pantyhose to the rescue! our two fish) and Mochi is just becoming more and more snuggly.

Like, I didn't think a rabbit would snuggle. I definitely didn't think our wild little fighter would. But now, when I lay down on the floor with him and put my hand in an upside down c position, he'll stick his whole nose into my head and flop and stretch each back leg out which equals a very happy bunny who's feeling safe. From there, he'll purr. I put my face right into his, nuzzle his fur and he's been tilting his face into mine. He wants all the attention from Jen and I, even when we're on the computer. He'll either lay right behind Jen's chair (or - like a cat - RIGHT out of petting distance) or he'll go under and nudge the higher - lower lever. It's so cute!!

We love them all. image

Jen and I have become addicted to World of Warcraft once again and it's so fun. If you've never played WoW, but enjoy gaming - even if you haven't played a MMORPG before, I think it's worth a try. You can play for free up until level 20, as well, though the account is very limited. Blizzard is amazing and a company I highly respect (even if their maintenance is cray cray.) I think WoW is one of the best MMOs for beginners, as it's less complicated than WildStar or SW:TOR (I love both, but they are a bit confusing.) 

Jen and my character started dating... Warlock and Rogue. Looking for power, so much power and the other a complete goof and emotional wreck in the sense that she's very sweet and will take on other people's issues. They're SO CUTE TOGETHER. Also, Jen's been giving me a mini pet a day and it's so sweet. I love collecting them. Friends, there will be so many gaming posts on here... 

Earlier in the month, we had quite a bad moment or er, a few moments. We joined a guild that sounded amazing and that turned into... Drama. SO MUCH DRAMA. So many teenagers or at least, people who acted like them in the bad way. Constant bitchiness, fighting, "he said, she said" about members and than people started basically demanding Jen and my attention and finally, everything just came to a big "fuck you" and we left. We don't need that shit. Not long after, I saw another guild and there was no information - just a lovely name.

Finally, I decided I wouldn't wait and I whispered the GM. Now, Jen and I have been in there the whole rest of this month and it's WONDERFUL. For the most part, everyone is our age or older and those who aren't, are still very mature - in the "no drama" sense. None of us are mature in the humor, etc. sense... We're all a bunch of pun makers, perverts and nerds. Everyone is very sweet, too and by everyone, I mean in and outside of the guild.

Our GM told me about the Discord they use, which I am still learning but am LOVING, and basically... WoW / our guild is basically just one thing they enjoy. There's also other MMORPGs, Overwatch (eeee), Minecraft (wheeee) and others. There're a lot of channels too, from silly spamming of funny memes and vids to the art dump.

So, yes, this is quite nice. Hopefully, we'll continue enjoying the guild!! 

As for Overwatch... I'm so addicted. I play for anywhere between 34 min to 3 hrs at a time. I've been loving Comp, as usual and Mystery Heroes. They're really my favorite!! Oh and Comp wise... It's SEASON 5!! Just started this evening. I am so excited to do my placement matches with Jen. image I plan on finally maining the char that I wanted to main since the beginning and that is Widowmaker, but I do have others that I am excited to play. I put together this little graphic for the season:


I'm proud of this!! 

There have been sad parts, too. I have Bipolar Disorder, but I use either "depressed", "manic" or "balanced" when describing my mood. Because while I don't have Depression as something separate, Depression is one side of having Bipolar. Anyway!! Before I confuse you even more... I wrote a post called "Depressing Is.." There's a lot of misinformation out there, and there is also the fact that every person does go through something differently, even it's the exact same thing. So, I wanted to share what I go through.

If it's not obvious, I have been very depressed this month. Gods, it's been so hard. I've been sad, depressed, anxious, constantly worried which is also anxiety, remembering past events that make me feel horrible and so much more. I've been like that all month: depressed and grouchy. Butttt, I am going through a manic phase right now and they're so good for me. Look, I'm writing a post!!

A very sad part of this month is that Captain, one of our cory catfish, passed on. His name is Captain and we love him!! A very good part is that we loved him a LOT and I hope he knew and still does know that. image

Finally, one aggravating part... We've been miserable in the Utah heat. It's so simple and so aggravating... Okay... My father-in-law and mother-in-law decided that they'd get rid of the swamp cooler and install an AC. Sounds GREAT. The swamp cooler wasn't perfect, so imagine how nice AC would be, ahhhh.

Except... That doesn't work on the second floor, which is where Jen and I live (everything is up here and to be honest, we prefer to be on our own). So, we've been living in - INSIDE THE HOUSE - 84°. I get that this is a first world type problem, but we've been trying to find a fix (a fan here, a fan there, a fan blowing on water and ice, etc.) and nothing worked. That weird skin crawling anxiety, not being able to breathe and dizziness was bothering both of us. In fact, I couldn't even sleep. Nothing had cooled down until 2-3 AM. Ugh.

BUUUUT, here's one more wonderful part: Jen found a small evaporative cooler in the classifieds. Today Jen got part of her monthly money, so we hoped and... WE GOT IT. It's actually in perfect condition!! Right now, instead of 84° or higher, it's a blissful 75°. I'm so thankful!! 

So, there's May of 2017. I haven't blogged much... The posts I linked are actually all that I wrote. I've been on and off Twitter, depending on if I can handle being social. I'm lucky to have such great friends who are there for me, whether I'm social or not!!

I'm excited for June and I hope you are as well!! I will try to post more often, because I love this little blog. I know a lot of them will be gaming and geeky related, weekly love lists, new age and personal posts. image

Alright, lovelies, it's almost Midnight and I want to get this posted before then, so... Here's to May and here's to June!! 

Friday, May 12, 2017

Mommy and I Love You, Captain, and We Will Forever - Swim free, little catfish.

Jen and I had two cory catfish, mine (though both of ours, of course) being Captain. He was a small little guy and nervous. He started becoming more bold once we put Kerry, Jen's (both of ours, too) catfish, Kerry, in with him and Bushido.

Tonight, Captain passed on, to swim free with Njörðr or with whoever, and wherever, he's chosen. It's so hard when babies pass on, but also knowing that they are free from anything that was bothering them, is a good thing.

I'm so glad we got to know you, Captain. Mommy and I Love You, Captain, and We Will Forever. Blessed Be, little fish. 

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Depression Is..

Wheeee, another post on Depression (in my case, Bipolar Disorder leaning towards Depression based on the [day, week, month, year].) One thing I'm known for, online and off, is being open and honest about mental health and other issues. I wanted to write a post about what Depression is, at LEAST for me but I know that others will relate, because I've talked to people who go through the same thing. Maybe you do. Maybe you have Depression but don't. Maybe you don't have or never have had Depression and just want to learn more, from someone who does. So..

Depression Is.. Having a wonderful day, doing something enjoyable, laughing and yet still being Depressed. Just because you can smile and do something doesn't mean you're free of your mental health issues or "cured". Depression is with me constantly, it's just that there're parts of my life that I can love and enjoy. But..

Depression Is.. Feeling like you can never feel happy again. Feeling like you can't get out of bed*. There're times like I mentioned above, when a smile will easily stretch across my face. There're also times when I literally hurt inside, when I cry and cry and cry (this happened a week or so ago - Jen was cuddling me and I just broke down) and when I feel like there's nothing I can do to feel better.

Depression Is.. Not something you can control. Notice above, how I said feeling like there's nothing I can do to feel better. That can be at the moment or for a long amount of time. You can't just decide "I'll feel better, right now and do [hobby, duty, schooling, working]." You can be taking your medication**. You can be soothing yourself or being soothed. But it's mental. It's out of your control, but please know that it's not hopeless. Re-read my first Depression Is.., above.

Depression Is.. Possibly triggered from dealing with another mental health disorder, family, friends, etc. For instance, mine goes: OCD > Anxiety > feeling very, very down > Depression hits an extreme high and the cycle will continue. Again, these disorders are there, 24/7, however I know my triggers that make them worse. Holidays (OCD), promising I'll do something (anxiety), dealing with a family member's BS (feeling very, very down) and then the extreme high, or er, low hits. Those are some of the important triggers, but there are many others. 

Depression Is.. Not everything you hear and read. Not being able to get out of bed* (mentioned above) is what you hear and read about on ads for medication. Yes, that can be a huge part, but did you know that people with Bipolar Disorder and other mental disorders can be Depressed AND Manic? Depressed and energetic, etc.? There's also the "oh, they're depressed" saying when someone is sad. There is a huge difference. Depression isn't just sadness, and sadness isn't a good thing - you don't want to be sad, you can't control the sadness - but it's not the same. thing.

Depression Is.. Not being able to do basic stuff. Showering? You can't muster the energy. School? Job? They're nearly impossible and if you're forced to do them, that can make them literally impossible. Having family and friends? Hard, if possible. Speaking of which, if they bring you down and if they do so because they're toxic: that isn't family / friendship. If you can, break away from those people. I speak from experience. I no longer have any of my blood relatives in my life and all for good reason. 

Depression Is.. Taking medication** (mentioned above). Okay.. I know that not everyone does, and I know that not everyone easily can. I rarely say "you should", because everyone has their own life, beliefs, etc. but.. You should. If you can. Medication is lifesaving. There's nothing wrong with trying some and it's a hit or miss, for sure. I've been on meds that have turned me upside down, into a zombie; I've been off meds and feel like I can't control myself, or that I'm going to do something horrible. But, on the other hand, I've also changed a LOT since taking them and for the better. Just make sure that your Doctor (PLEASE have one) and your therapist (very good to have) is told what is going on and if anything feels wrong. 

Depression Is.. Coping. You can't control, but you can cope from time to time. For me, that's cuddling and talking to Jen, cuddling our pets, talking to friends if I'm not in hermit mode***, gaming, dressing up digital dolls, playing, going outside, taking pictures, journaling, creating a mind and or body map, reading my tarot. I can't do all of this at once and depending on my Depression level, one may be doable while others can't. I love taking pictures, but I've hardly taken any, lately. Gaming, on the other hand, has been a way to relax. I want to do so much, but I c-a-n-'t and it's hard.

Depression Is.. Hermit mode*** (mentioned above). For me, I withdraw from almost everyone. My social media presence goes down. I barely talk to friends. I barely talk to my mother-in-law. I feel like doing nothing that involves anyone, but Jen and our pets. It's not that I want to stop being there, it's that I can't. I just can't. If I push myself to, which I rarely do (because I've been dealing with this for so many years, most of my life, and have learned that pushing yourself isn't good), that can make everything worse. 

Depression Is.. Not an excuse, but a reason. Some people have gotten divorced over their partner's mental health issues, others have gotten fired from their jobs, some - estranged from family. Because of what they've said or done. I'm not saying to stay with someone going through these issues, or to keep them employed, etc. I know first hand how *I* can be.

Between Bipolar Disorder (especially without meds or without the right meds), OCD and executive dysfunction, I have done so much that I regret. If I am a huge bitch, I apologize. Sincerely. Because "I'm sorry, I've been having a very hard time and you didn't deserve that" is different from "I'm sorry, I have [disorder] and that's just what I say / do." 

I mention this because I've seen disabled people being bullied for their issues and it's very near to my heart, because of how I've acted. Thankfully, Jen understands me and, what's in the past with (non-toxic) family and so on, is in the past. I can't help what I did. I have regrets. But there's nothing I can do to change that. 

Depression Is.. Finding help. Let's end this post on a positive note. There's help out there and there's support. When Jen and I went to NAMI a few times, that was the first time I realized others had my exact OCD thoughts. I was so relieved. I have many, many, many, many friends who are disabled - and they are there for me and I for them. I've had Doctors, therapists, etc. and have found coping mechanisms, stories, etc. that truly help. People, whether one or an entire community, is so important. Some people, like my love, have social anxiety that's very severe. So, don't throw yourself into a situation that will frighten you! Read a forum about your disorder, even if you don't post. Just read. I've done that a lot.

The family and friends who support you, mean so much. Jen's done so for thirteen years and every time I need even more support, she's there for me and I love her even more. She is also disabled with many disorders and I am there for her. Love is important.

So, there's my post. I've been struggling with depression a lot this month and last. But.. I'm here. I'm doing my best to cope. You've got this, you can handle this. Believe in yourself and others, including those who are higher up, if you're spiritual / religious. Don't judge other people instantly, for what they do or have done. Just.. Be. Be you. This is who you are, and you're okay. You cannot change what is going on mentally (or physically). But that doesn't mean you can't cope, or that the future might hold a cure. You never know.

Alright, lovelies. Be safe.

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Computer Woes

Usagi crying gif

Almost all of my hobbies are on the computer: gaming, writing (including coding), drawing / painting, shopping (of course), social media (including Pinterest, because saving stuff is so fun) and so much more. So, this month has been annoying and stressful, computer wise. 

Jen and I were gaming when - kaboom - my computer shut off. Okay, this has happened before. No prob. So I turn the computer back on and as it's booting up - kaboom. Okay. Now I'm nervous. I tried one more time, with the same issue happening (without a BSoD, etc.) and decided I'd open Fluffle (that's my computer's name) up and clean her up. When you have kitties and a bunny, plus general dust, the inside of computer's can get filled with dust and fur quite quickly. Normally, Fluffle's very clean, but I figured this HAD to be the problem.

So, as I was opening up Fluffle, I asked Jen a question about the back of her computer. She goes to check and.. Her computer shuts down. image Cue PANIC. There is NO WAY this can happen to both of us, but.. Sure enough. So, here we were, with two broken down computers (Fluffle and Mina) and a crappy phone each. So, using the internet is decent, when we have the internet butttt there's not much else we can do.

*pets computers*

After cleaning everything and checking everything, with no luck, we figured that our coolers were dead. Both at the same time is ridiculous and confusing, but true. 

The prob is, we didn't have $200+, which was how much a new processor and stock fan would cost (for both of us, luckily, not just one!) After much talking, my mother-in-law convinced my father-in-law to purchase them for us as a gift for the holiday. (We celebrate Ostara, but they celebrate Easter.) 

YAAAAY!! image

Those arrive, everything's going well, until we realize that we're missing a part. Noooo. These parts weren't a LOT, but they were still extra money and sadly, Utah doesn't have many computer parts store (the one we do have wanted to charge a ridiculous amount of money - $50 for ONE, when Amazon had them for $5.)

So, again, my mother-in-law talked my father-in-law into this one last thing for the computers. The parts came.

Jen's kicked on, success! Mine did, as well.. For a minute. 

Sadness and stress.

While Jen's had a little issue here and there, hers started working 100% (though could be a little better, temp wise) and mine just didn't. Mine wouldn't even start. 

So now it's a delicate and frustrating balance. After checking Fluffle over and over again, we realized that her CPU fan isn't working as well as the hers (and yes, it's better to upgrade ASAP, BUT, the stock fan should still work) and even more concerning, my motherboard is blazing. image

So, now I need a new cooling system and a new motherboard. It'd be nice if Jen could get them as well, but right now, I need them so I can actually.. Do stuff again, without worrying that Fluffle will shut down before I can save something, etc. 

I've been monitoring the temp charts..


Jen's TMPIN0, TMPIN1 and TMPIN2 are in the 30s, while mine are in the 70s - 80s, minus TMPIN2. Those are from the motherboard. The AMD FX-8320 is - again - in the 70s to 80s. This is extreme, and again, Jen's is SO much cooler. How Fluffle hasn't completely and literally went kaboom, I don't know, but I thank her SO MUCH for hanging on. I just gotta fix her up, and give her some TLC.

I've had her stay on for 5min or 2hrs. There's no telling when she'll shut down, even while monitoring the temp charts. So, I do as much gaming as I can that doesn't involve saving and outside of blogging (hiiii), that's about all. Though, gaming is my favorite hobby, so that's not a bad thing. 

That's where I've been! My phone CAN handle Twitter, it's just annoying and not as easy to use as doing so on the computer. So, I'm active on Twitter, either way. 

I did make an Amazon wishlist here and have a PayPal donate thingy here. I wouldn't include them, except for the fact that I did on Twitter and that it's worth spreading the word! 

Hopefully, everything will be fixed soon. Say hi, tell me how you're doing and let's connect!

Sunday, April 9, 2017

Sukeban A 🌺


Woooo~!! Hello, lovelies. I've changed my blog~!! 🌺 First, how are you? I'll talk about March and the beginning of April, in another post. We're all doing good, and that's what matters~!! image

I realized that my blog name, design, etc. didn't fit me, so here's her new beginning. Sukeban A~!! What do you think? I have a new name, new header, new profile pic; I've updated my sidebar Hello and my introduction, and added some other lovelies: I have the definition of sukeban, and some of the most important words to me. I feel like through them, you can get to know me even better. 

I have a donate link, as every little bit truly does help Jen and I! Any $$ goes towards our general living expenses, as well as buying what fits Sukeban A. For instance, I want to do a LOT of game reviewing, so eventually: I'll need more of them TO review! That's where the donate will come in. (I'm also saving for a new processor, for streaming!)

I gave my kitsune a makeover, as well. I think she's a bit more feisty looking~!! 

I made sure that all my new social media accounts (and those that simply have a name change, which is fresh and exciting) are updated, so you can find me easily online.

I decided that there is no way I could change my Eeveelution background. EEVEE FOREVER~!! image (My favorite is Umbreon.)

Well, lovelies, there's a short and sweet post about Sukeban A. I hope you enjoy reading~!! If you haven't visited in a while or if you're new here, please comment so I can visit your blog and say HI~!! image

Monday, March 27, 2017

It's Spring ~ 🌺💚

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Hello and Happy Spring, lovelies~!! I took the above picture on Ostara. 💚 I planned on writing about Ostara but.. My mental and physical health has been pfffftimage Hopefully I will write about Beltane!!

Even though I missed writing about the sabbat, I will do my best to write some Spring posts. I'd like to write about caring for Mother Earth, cute Spring clothing, etc. So, I hope you'll read those posts and enjoy them if you do. 💚 

I'm a nature and weather nerd, so the greenery here (from the buds growing and blossoming, to the lush grass) as well as the rainy weather is blissful. I also love animals, as most of you probabbbbly know and there're so many cheerful birds!! I'm not sure if there're mating right now or have already birthed their babies - but I am definitely excited to see said babies. image

I wish Mr. Blubs was here, physically, to spend another Spring with us. But, if he IS here in spirit, we welcome him - and love him, soooo much. 

I really want to focus on getting to know and honoring Freyja this season. She is often seen as a Goddess of Ostara!! I also realized that I ask for her help whenever I do rune casting - and yet I haven't ever truly connected with her. The same goes for Odin. Bad Heathen. image

Freyja illustration by Lorenz Frølich!! 
[Via Wikipedia.]

Jen and I are day-dreaming about what we'll do this Spring. We definitely want to get our garden started, which will equal me planting some lavender along our back fence and taking care of my nightshade, and Jen and I will be getting (hopefully) a greenhouse so that we can grow our seeds in there. In Utah, or at least where we live, the soil is horrible for growing food. image

Camping is also on the list, and we have everything needed! We both love our tent and I think it's the best one we've had (though the pup tent was amazing.)

We grabbed some faery related reads from the library, which I think will help us connect with and make room for the faeries who live here. DO they live here? I don't know. But I know that our yard, and especially one area, has a very magickal feel.

Speaking of magickal, with Beltane coming on May 1st, we have a little over a whole month to plan what we'll do. I really want to start writing more New Age posts, so like I said.. I hope - no, actually, EXPECT some posts with maybe the history of Beltane and or the deities we honor during the sabbat, crafts, etc. 

I have a lot of blogging and non-bloggy related projects that I want to focus on. A. LOT. 

I'll share more about them, later~!! For now, I have a video game review to write.. HUSTLE CAT. I hope you'll enjoy. image

P.S. This took me so long to write. image I stopped halfway through, so I hope I covered everything I meant to!!